I receive a lot of my healing and inspirational messages from my meditation practice. This past year I have noticed that old trauma has been affecting my quality of life again and now as I write, on reflection, I have been made aware of the effects for a couple of years now. This is really difficult to reflect on but I want to share some insights I gained recently.
What has changed?
I have become aware of the chain of thought processes, my emotional reactions, my physical reaction and the utter hopelessness of the spiral I continually found myself in. I was in this state until very recently and it is the practice of meditation and the healing space it creates around me that has kept me sane. The effects of my trauma have always been there but knowing this does not in itself heal it. I have been down that road before and I can assure you that you cannot will it away. The extent of emotional, mental and physical pain and discomfort I felt was acute and in direct proportion to the urgency in which it was ready to be released.
I really thought that after all these years of mind, body and spiritual balancing I had developed the exact healing prescription. I did...sort of. My way of healing my spirit was so advanced that it didn’t occur to me that I would not be ok, that I would not recover for years. It has, my friends, been a slow process and one in perfect timing for a perfect outcome.
It has been a slow and painful deep dive into my childhood, one I did not know was necessary. I could recall most things and believed they were in the past as the memories were not directly related to any emotional reactions I had ever experienced.
When I began my adult spiritual awakening I poured my full heart and soul into my healing process because I felt the power move through me and I knew I had connected to the power of spirit within me. It is only now I understand that I was working back towards the point of origin.
In my adult life I experienced physical, emotional and mental abuse from people I believed loved me the most, I contracted a debilitating illness that still affects every aspect of my life to this day and my loved ones were used as weapons against me.I truly believe this was the cause of my soul imbalances and I was determined to live my best life. I accessed healers, readers and sat in meditation circles for years. What I understood along the way was that these things in themselves are not the cure, they are the best way to access my Soul Wisdom. I did the work, I surrendered to the energy of spirit and I gained control of myself, my thoughts and my destiny.
Or so I thought...
Once I was working for myself as a professional reader and healer the next phase began to creep in. As I mentioned, I had a handle on how to manage the eruptions that occurred from past and present hurts. I welcomed this new phase. I always emerged stronger and more attuned to spirit. Nope, this was different. Before I knew it I was plunged into one of the darkest places I’ve ever been without any guidance. Usually there was a cause and effect situation but this dip was much more severe because the more I sunk into it the worse life got. By the time I realised I was out of my depth it was too late and there was nothing to do but wait it out. This was worse because I had nothing to link it to, nothing to blame, nothing to understand and no healing, meditating, counselling or readings touched the surface. And so I fell into a long term, debilitating depression for nearly 2 years. I thought I was done....
Vicki! Get to the point!!
I’ve written about the crisis of my faith in previous blogs so I won’t give the full story here about my way back to myself. What I did have to do though was visit my childhood trauma in all it’s ugliness. I had to sit in the very real sadness (and I’m crying writing this) and actually feel the pain of those times. And so I went.
**Actually, as I’m writing this I am receiving insights to this journey I’m writing about so I am going to pass the information on immediately. I had never understood why I had to endure depression when I was always a willing healing and self awareness participant. I just got the answer. The depression I experienced was so different to anything I’ve ever felt before. I wasn’t sad or crying. I felt nothing. I mean absolutely numb. I never cried once and I could not even experience an ounce of joy. Every emotion from that time was faked, it was the only way to survive. I now understand I would not have been able to visit my childhood trauma effectively if I was experiencing any emotions. Being depressed actually allowed me to do the exploratory work I needed to release the attachments to the survival responses I no longer needed to continue in my work...OMG, I am so happy!!**
Anyway, I was contemplating writing this blog to showcase how my Soul Coaching worked when I realised another amazing thing. The protective measures in place, the things I thought had been programmed by others who had control of me were all mine. I created the mantras of self deprecation, people pleasing and worthlessness as a means to explain the dreadful treatment of me by others. They did not give me the words. I gave them to myself and every time I was re-traumatised I repeated my rationalisations because nothing else made sense. I repeated them until they became my truth, my shield, my protection. What occurred, dear friends, is that with this realisation I took my power back! Yes! I own the words, I can release their hold on me. I HAVE THE POWER. I always did.
I wonder if this is true for all iterations of the deep programming we unconsciously repeat until the power of our soul releases us from our torment and shows us the way. The path can sometimes be ugly but worth it. Never travel it alone, there is always help.
My lovely friends, I meandered through the telling of this story and it began when I was recently a passenger in a 4WD doing some off-roading. I was terrified of nothing and nothing I could tell myself would ease the fear. So, I did what I always do, I meditated on it. Not a sit down for hours meditation mind you. I let the feelings wash over me in a quiet moment and let my Soul Wisdom take care of the details. I allowed the fear to come to the surface, l went with it and the intensity eased. It really is that simple and I received relief. I don’t really care about the origins of the trauma, that is just for context. I am more interested in the process of releasing the binds that keep me in a pattern of emotional reaction that affects the quality of my life. And I do it because it works.
Tarot Reading School
Past Life Regression
Insights I have gathered from my life experiences. Profound messages from my connection with Spirit.